A Few Years Later

A few years ago I wanted to sign up for a dating site. I was obese back then and I knew exactly what would happen — nobody would be interested. So I went looking for a photographer. Someone who would shoot me "in a better light". I knew it wouldn't be me. I knew I was making myself into someone else. And I wanted it anyway.

That's exactly what I write about in the book — how I lied to myself. How I lied to myself and to everyone around me.

Now it's different. I'm publishing a book and I need photos. Not for a dating site. For the website, for the media, for people who will read about how I spent all those years lying to myself.

When someone goes to mostka.sk, they'll see two photos — the old one, where I weigh 155.3 kg and I'm on meth, and today's. It has the potential to draw them in or put them off. Both are fine.

So I went looking for a photographer. I'm often in Czechia at my girlfriend's, but the photographer who caught my eye was forty kilometres further on. That choice won. When I arrived at her studio, the first thing she asked me was: what do you have in mind?

I hadn't expected that. I wanted it to be natural. But she told me it doesn't work that way — when you go to be photographed, you have to have an idea. So we sat down and scrolled through Pinterest. When I liked a photo, we tried to imitate it.

During the shoot I felt relaxed and calm. I was a little afraid of smiling too much — I know that when I smile, I come across as naive. But I also didn't want a serious face in every photo. I was aware of all of it at once, and sometimes that's actually freeing — when you know what to watch out for, you can work with it.

A week later it was done. Seven photos. I'm completely happy with them.

The difference from the dating site? This time I wasn't lying to myself. This time I was just myself — exactly as I am. And the photos show it.